What have I done?
Life has taken a tole on me… I had reached the rock bottom of my life, start climbing up and then falls again. Got up, then falls again…
I am still hanging on… at the edge…. the past 2 weeks… I have been to the state of a total drunk, to a role model to students in perseverance, then to a total emotional wreck… think I am "acting" too many roles till I am confused myself….
I give up.. I give up being what others think I am… totally no strength to take another step forward… I have withdrawn myself from the reality…fighting a vicious battle within myself about who I should be…
Janet is suppose to be that strong lady, not afraid of failures and totally in control. Taking every storm with confidence and keep on going…. This is me when I am out there, facing the reality, facing the ppl around me… But is it really me???? I question myself….
Once I am back on my own… I slipped completely…to become a person that is bathe in tears… totally beaten down with "wounds" on me from the battles…I feel totally insecure, hurt, lack of strength and confidence to face another day ahead. Wanting to give up on life… I hang on cos there are responsibilities that I need to fulfill everyday, that kept me from being foolish….
Then another blow had to struck me…. I was ignored by a friend again for no reason. Someone that had shown me that there is true friendship in this world… Someone for once that I trusted 100% that I allow him to see me at the most vulnerable time of my life. I never believe in true friends before, never allow myself to be hurt by another friend deeply since my last blow. But till I met this friend, I thought, I must have been too skeptical…
The same incident happened when I was in Sec 4. It torn me apart and since then, I vow that I’ll never let any friends hurt me again. How could I be so foolish to allow him into my life and accepted him as my true friend. And as things turn out… history repeated itself. I was totally heartbroken. Discouraged. I pray, tell God to take this barrier I am having towards friends and deal with it. Teach me how I can trust another friend again, show me that there is true friendship in this world… cos at this current point, I don’t.
Devastated… tired… this is how I feel every morning… push myself up again to face the battles… return totally beaten…. and this repeats again the next day…. I dont know how long I can keep my faith strong… that there will be rainbow after the storm….
Whatz up? |3 Responses to “What have I done?”
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Hey dear, it HAS been a long while, and I’m sorry to hear you had not been having an easy time so far.
But please don’t give up hope, and always look for a silver lining. Well, all that is easy to say and not easy to achieve, but that’s the best way to deal with situations.
I always believe things come in cycles, and when you’re at rock bottom, the only other way left is UP!
We should meet up soon and have a good chat lah. Meantime, do take care and think positively ok?
BIG HUGS!!!
janet, let ur ‘mask’ down, dont be too hard on urself. I agree with Edric, that is ‘think positively’…friends are always here with u. Although alot of things, we can only ‘talk’ and cant really do much to help. Just know that if you need a listening ear, we will always be around ok?
Hey all! Thank you for being there for me always… Edric, you have always been a dear…. yes we should meet up and catch up together… with bryan after all his hectic filming schedule… and winnie… thank you… knowing you are there always helps… love you both!
Janet Kee